just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
