Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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