All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
