I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
