An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
