I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
