dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
