Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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