No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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