i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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