I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
