he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Pants are for mortals
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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