both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
