Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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