OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
