You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
