they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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