Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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