I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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