you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
