I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
