Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
