I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
