Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
