It was confusing and full of hummus
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
