Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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