I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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