hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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