woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
