My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
