i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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