I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
COCAINE IS GR8
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
