she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
