Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
