you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
