is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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