i just sent this text using only my big toe
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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