I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
