i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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