look no pants
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
