she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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