i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
