We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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