I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
so much tequila, so little girl.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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