I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
two words...techno handjob
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
