is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
