Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
