Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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