Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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