I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
